I remember a few years back, someone said “Becoming a mother was the loneliest time of my life”, and boy, they were not wrong.
It’s just so sad that at a time when you believe you will be supported by everyone, people just vanish and you feel like you’re begging people or being a burden when you just desperately want company. Or at least I feel this way.
Since he was born I feel like people are scared to come to see him or ask me how he is in fear that I might see them as a potential baby sitter. I know this is the case, because this is exactly what I used to be like. If anyone ever said anything along the lines of “I wish I could go back to doing ___” and they were with child, I would swiftly change the conversation so I was no longer seen as a possible carer. Realistically, now, I know that when I say I wish I could go back to doing pretty much anything I used to do before, I am just feeling utterly nostalgic, but I much prefer my life with O now.
Half of our family members have magically disappeared like a group of Houdini’s. I have some family who are extremely close to me, like my mam and her partner, dad and his partner, etc, and then I have the ones that apparently must have lost their fingers and their mobile phone as I haven’t received a single text to ask how he is since he was about 3 weeks old.
How is this okay?
I spend almost all day every day at my mams house while Anthony (my other half) works full time, just so I don’t have to be on my own. I am very capable, but as many of you know, it is absolutely shit when you just spend all day sitting by yourself trying to desperately make bottles while the baby is screaming, keeping them occupied with baby babble and basically driving yourself insane. I love spending the day on my own with O, but I will much prefer it when he can walk around and talk to me and understand what “i’m doing your bottle now” means without screaming the place down.
I know there are so many mothers out there who feel like this. Motherhood shouldn’t be this way. I don’t want to have to keep myself occupied by doing the dishes, and wiping the sides down for the 40th time, or scrolling through facebook while he’s having another nap. I want to feel involved in my friends lives, I want to still be 20 years old, but with a cute little addition. Unfortunately, when you have a baby, it seems you kiss goodbye to all that. I happen to think the little man would love sitting in a cafe while mum socialises with a coffee. Ha!
I live on the other side of town and don’t drive. I’m crippled with social anxiety so can’t get the bus. I’m just moaning now. I go off on a tangent far too often.
I don’t want a barrage of sympathy, I just wanted to be honest. I’m sure a lot of people will relate.
Do you still socialise with your friends? Leave me a comment below.