A full year before I fell pregnant with O, I fell pregnant with another little bean who sadly didn’t make it very far.
I will warn you that this post gets a little bit graphic towards the end, but it is an emotional one that I felt I really wanted to share with my followers.
I’ll start from the beginning. I was three days late and ended up going to the doctors for a test as I couldn’t afford one, I am going to be honest. 18 years old, living at home and unemployed. I had just finished my A level exams, and had been accepted into a nursing university so it wasn’t exactly the best timing. The nurse told me I wasn’t pregnant and prescribed me a pill, and just as I was leaving, she went to throw the test in the bin when she shouted me back with a “oh wait… you are”. “Congratulations” she said, and handed me a load of leaflets about my options, and told me that I needed to start taking my vitamins immediately.
Flash forward three/four weeks after that, I noticed that I didn’t really have any symptoms whatsoever. I know that is possible, as I didn’t have many with O, but I just didn’t FEEL pregnant. My stomach wasn’t really bloated, I wasn’t being sick, I didn’t have any boob ache, I wasn’t weeing a lot. Basically, if it wasn’t for that positive test I wouldn’t have had a clue there was a baby in my stomach.
Again, flash forward another 3 weeks (I was 10 weeks at this point) I noticed a little bit of blood after I had been for a wee.
It was minuscule, but still there. I ran immediately to Anthony to tell him what had happened, and we got a taxi to the nearest hospital. I remember that taxi ride so well, as I was so anxious. We had thought of names, applied for our own house, I had deferred university for a year after getting the grades I needed and it seemed like everything was falling into place. We were so excited about the baby.
When we arrived at hospital I waited 4 hours before a man came and collected me, took me to a ward and scanned me at 1:00am. He asked me how far along I was, and I said “almost 11 weeks” to which he replied in a rather cocky and arrogant manner “You must be joking. You’re not that far along. You’re 6 weeks 5 days”. I told him it couldn’t have been possible and something must be wrong, but he assured me everything was fine and as it should be.
I was trying to figure out in my head how I could have possibly got a positive pregnancy test 6 weeks ago if my baby was only 6 weeks itself, and it just didn’t make sense. They rearranged for a new scan a few days later, and when I went back they told me the baby had no heartbeat and had not grown.
I was heartbroken. Absolutely devastated.
It also felt worse because deep down I already knew, but I had my hopes built up by the man who scanned me. He made it a laughing matter, as though it was a silly mistake and I didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. I still don’t know why he did that.
Trigger Warning: Miscarriage/Blood Loss Details.
Three days later the blood started. The proper blood. I was sat in Anthony’s living room, and I felt this strong period pain and a sensation like something fell into my pants. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do, so scuttled to the toilet as quickly as I could. The only way I could describe what was there is like the top half of a jelly fish. I have no idea what it was because I took my pants off as quickly as possible and threw them into a carrier bag, crying my eyes out. I know now that it was probably the baby in the sac, but I am glad I didn’t see it to be honest.
Every time I stood up I got a contraction and another gush of blood which meant I couldn’t move from the toilet. I phoned 111 for advice and they sent an ambulance immediately (who obviously must’ve seen the state I was in and took me to hospital). When we arrived there, despite being on a stretcher drenched in my own blood, the woman on reception told the ambulance man that I had to wait in the waiting room as there were no beds. Thank god for that ambulance man, who I deeply regret not thanking enough, for arguing with her that I was in no state to wait in front of anyone and that he would wait with me in the corridor if he had to. Thank you so much. You were my saviour that day.
The pain was unbearable. I was screaming, I just couldn’t control what was happening, and then all of a sudden it was over.
I don’t know whether everything had come away, or my body just decided to stop freaking out, to be honest, I don’t even know what had actually happened. All I wanted was to go home to my bed.
Mid way through all of this, Anthony was asked to leave and I told them if he was going to have to leave, that I would too. I didn’t care how much blood I was losing, I wanted him to be with me. I can’t believe they wanted me to go through the pain of losing my baby on my own. They kept telling me there were no beds available, and I was begging them to let me just close the curtain on the ward so nobody even knew he was there.
One thing I will take away from the whole experience, which is actually quite sad, is that not one person was compassionate towards me considering I was losing a baby. My baby was only 6 weeks and the size of a lentil, but it was my baby. A baby that I had names for, and that I had started to love unconditionally. I felt like my whole world was being ripped apart, and I had multiple people saying “at least it was now“, “1 out of 3 pregnancies end like this“, “early miscarriage is so common there’s not much we can really do“, “everything happens for a reason“. The worst comment I got was that it was a “blessing” because me and Anthony were so young. How disgusting is that.
That is why the quote at the top of this post is so important to me.
As much as people liked to tell me that “everything happens for a reason”, I just didn’t believe them. I couldn’t understand what reason there could have been for me losing my baby. Now I do. O was due on the 19th of March, and so was the other baby, but just a full year apart. They had the same due date. If the other baby had been born, it is highly unlikely I would have fallen pregnant again within 3 months and had O. If it wasn’t for the miscarriage, he wouldn’t be here. So that was my reason. Although it was a long wait, I finally got it and understood.