Christmas Tree Fiasco

November 27, 2016
I’ll give you a tip, put the lights on last” my mam said, “otherwise they get hidden“.

Remind me never to listen to my mam ever again.
On Friday, we decided to put our Christmas tree up. It’s a bit early, you’re probably thinking, and you would be completely right, but, we didn’t have much choice. With only 1 out of 6 bulbs actually working in our living room, we figured we might as well put the tree up because we can’t afford the light bulbs yet and I am sick of not being able to see my food properly when I am eating, or anything for that matter, as I am not a fucking owl.
With O at Nana’s, we thought it would be the perfect time to avoid a crawling curious baby around many potential choking hazards and took advantage. Big mistake.
What a bloody fanny on we had trying to put it up.
First of all, when we pulled all of the bits out of the box, we had no idea what to do. We’ve never had a proper tree before, and last year we had a horrific cone shaped thing with baubles attached that balanced on a pole and looked an awful lot like The Very Important Lady from The Twirlywoos. Come to think of it, that one was much easier.
After the great faff of sliding each branch into its allotted place, Anthony made a comment that it looked shit. I hadn’t even pulled the branches down or fanned it out, so it looked like a giant pine cone at this point and he actually thought that is what it was supposed to look like. Men.
Cue the arguments. 
Anthony did one side and I did the other to hurry the process along a tad, except we both agreed that it was likely my side would be better… or at least that’s what I believed, obviously. I advised that if my side would be on display, he had to leave me the best baubles. Of course, he didn’t.
He left me with the shit baubles with no threads on them. What use is that to me? I wasn’t looking for a bloody arts and crafts evening of sewing threads through irritatingly tiny holes. I also spent half an hour untangling golden beads, that we didn’t even use, just for him to sit on them and arse shuffle them to the point of being more tangled than they were before.
Then, the cheeky bastard decided to tell me his side was better than mine. “Ha! Is it fuck”, I thought.
When it was actually finished, and after I had thrown 15 broken baubles across the room, we finally moved our tree on top of the coffee table where it would live for the next month. I won’t go into how many baubles fell off while we were moving it.
The ordeal didn’t end there, though.  My mother recommended putting the lights on last (as above), except this is the WORST PIECE OF ADVICE she could have given me and I will never forgive her. I had already moved it into place (wedged by the couch on a coffee table in the corner of the room) and wasn’t going to risk moving it again, so attempted to wrap lights around the back of it without being able to see. Don’t do this. About 10 more baubles fell off, coincidentally, all from Anthony’s side.
Finally finished, I stepped back to appreciate the labour that went into putting up this dick of a tree, when I realised it actually did look really shit and Anthony’s side looked better.
There is nothing more annoying and smug than a man who knows he is right.The tree is staying up forever, by the way.


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1 Comment

  • Reply Lexis Hope December 3, 2016 at 7:35 pm

    Oh my goodness, that's crazy! I laughed, glad you finally got the tree up!

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