It’s been a whole year since I blogged about my miscarriage. I can’t believe that.
A few days ago, for the first time in a whole year, I re-read that post, and I felt so sad and emotional. I didn’t realise how much it had affected me mentally, and even after 3 years, I don’t think I ever grieved properly.
From the second I got my first ever positive test, I told everyone immediately. I posted a Facebook status, I tweeted about it multiple times, and I shared many a gruesome detail about what was happening to my uterus and how it made me feel (usually pretty shit)
The day I started bleeding, I thought, oh my god, i’ve already told everyone, now what do I do?
I felt like such an idiot because I felt like I then had to explain myself. I ended up posting a status on Facebook to inform everyone of what had happened (when the miscarriage was confirmed), to avoid people asking me about it and upsetting me even more, and to just get it out there quickly before I changed my mind.
Then one of my best friends deleted me, and I had no idea why. When I eventually got round to asking her, she said she thought it was really insensitive and too personal for Facebook. She said I should’ve went through it on my own with Anthony, and that I didn’t need to tell everyone.
Except, I did, because everyone already knew that I was pregnant, and I couldn’t bare the thought of someone asking me in a months time how the baby was doing, or whether or not I ‘knew what it was’. I couldn’t have just pretended like my baby didn’t exist, and that it wasn’t growing inside of me one minute, and gone the next.
I know a lot of people carry that opinion though. A lot of people genuinely believe that miscarriage is hush hush, and something you need to go through on your own, and that is just so wrong.
As soon as you find out you’re pregnant, you have that immediate “Shall I wait until I am 3 months to tell people?” thought.
But why do we even think like that? Is it purely to eliminate the risk of having to explain to others that we have had a miscarriage? If you do lose your baby and you didn’t tell anyone your news, do you then tell people you were pregnant and now aren’t? Or do you just go through it alone and bury your emotions? Probably the latter.
The thing with early miscarriages is that we are told so frequently that it is very common and happens to 1 in 3, blah blah. When it does happen, even though we feel absolutely awful, we feel like we shouldn’t be so upset because it should be expected.
However, nobody expects their baby to be taken away from them, not when you have got so excited and given the baby a name, thought about what they will look like and fallen utterly and completely in love with them.
Also, I found after my miscarriage, other people who knew about it would be too scared to ask anything too. On the off chance that they would ask me if I was okay, I didn’t actually dare answer with “No, I just miscarried my baby” because I knew that wasn’t the answer they were looking for. I felt like I would make people feel awkward, and I didn’t want that, because I didn’t really know how to explain how I felt either.
You don’t have to feel a kick, to have a bond.
The baby measured 6 weeks 5 days when it had stopped growing, but I only found out that I had miscarried at 11 weeks 5 days. That was 5 weeks of singing and talking to my bump, and looking at Pinterest nursery ideas, baby clothes and baby names.
I kept the pain in for so long, and after the conversation with the girl I called my friend, I really did feel so ashamed. I felt like everyone must have looked at me like I was silly, but I was just excited and I didn’t expect anything to go wrong… and there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like that, because you should be allowed to feel excited when you find out you’re pregnant for the first time ever.
I was convinced I had no right to be upset because there are many women out there who have to give birth to still born babies, and people who have later miscarriages every day.
However, to this day, I still think about what could’ve been.
I think about how my baby would almost be 3 years old. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. I wonder why exactly it happened, and whether or not it was something I did or whether the baby just wouldn’t have survived regardless. I wonder what they looked like, and if they would have had blonde hair and blue eyes like O.
I really loved that baby so much, and so did Anthony. We were devastated.
I have spoken to a lot of people who have experienced miscarriages who have felt exactly the same as me, and I know it is extremely common to be embarrassed to talk about it. Considering 1 in 3 people miscarry before 3 months, the subject is still extremely ‘taboo’ for no reason whatsoever.
Early miscarriage happens to hundreds of people, every single day.
A child lost, is a child lost, no matter if you are 5 weeks, 20 weeks or 35 weeks. You are allowed to grieve, and you can talk about it as much as you want. You can scream it from the roof tops, if it makes you feel better inside. If you experience a miscarriage yourself, take my advice and please do not go through it alone.