How To Always Be On Time When You Have Kids

January 15, 2018

If there is one thing I am known for amongst my group of friends, it is my excellent time keeping skills. People usually applaud me for always turning up 5 minutes early, prepared for the day, with Oscar by my side in pristine condition. He always has his jacket and shoes on, and I always have a pre-made snack ready for whenever he decides he is hungry. There is never a panic, and I also never forget anything.


Control my kid? Can I shite. I think Oscar making me wait 3 days in agony to meet him should have been a sign of what was to come. I can’t even fart these days without him delaying the process a little bit.

You clicked on this either because you think I am delusional and you wanted a laugh, or because you genuinely want to know how you can be on time with kids. Do those people exist? They haven’t given up hope yet? Oh dear.

If you are the latter, here are 5 ways you can ensure you are always on time when you have kids:

1. Don’t invite themΒ 

Pretty simple one really. Don’t make plans with kids, ever. Make all of the plans you can without your kids. In fact, just move out.

2. If you have no choice but to invite them, add approximately 2 hours and 45 minutes onto your assumed arrival time

This one should also come with the warning “don’t ever assume an arrival time”. Leave wipes out of the changing bag in preparation for the poonami you will be about to face the second your key clicks open the door. People don’t know this, but it actually sends a subliminal message to your child that they must poo. Now.
I’m being serious about this one though. I always add at least an hour on to whatever time I think I might get somewhere, but 9 out of 10 times I am still late. Maybe this wasn’t the best advice.

3. Start getting ready the moment you open your eyes.

If your plans are at 3pm, start getting ready at 6:30am. You think you have the changing bag packed? Think again. Remember that poonami? Don’t forget to repack the wipes and collect yet another spare outfit for the next poonami they’re about to do as soon as their arse touches the car seat. Really, you should have picked a better time to leave the house. It’s obviously your fault. Oh, and you know the two shoes they just had on? Yeah, one has gone missing. Good luck.

4. Never make plans for yourself again and revolve every outing around your children. You are never late to a soft play.

How convenient that the only place you would rather die at, is the one you rock up to 30 minutes early? How do you even cope in that situation? You can almost smell the sheer panic emitting from the parents when they realise they’re going to be there longer than what should be legally allowed. For that reason, I would say you should always find a soft play that is attached to a pub.

5. Don’t have kids

Basically the only accurate solution to this problem, and I have heard from many childless sources that it actually works.Β I don’t think we thought this one through really, did we?
Zoe from MummyandLiss: Don’t argue with them over why the sky is blue. Also, don’t put their shoes and coat on until the second before you leave because they will take it all off 10000 times before you go
Eileen from 2NerdsAndABaby: Allocate 10 minutes for putting a babies jacket on because it’s super hard
Rachael from FromRachaelClaire: Just don’t leave the house. Ever.
Tamara from TheEpilepticBlogger: Bribe them with McDonalds. Works for me.

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