The thing is, I am really not excited to give birth. Each day that moves me closer to my due date fills me with absolute dread.
I Am Scared To Go In To Labour (Chatty VBAC/Pregnancy Update)January 7, 2018
I came to the horrifying realisation yesterday that I am already 25 weeks pregnant. I have 15 weeks left. I know you’re probably thinking ‘shut up Fern, that’s ages away’, and I don’t mean to sound horribly stereotypical here, but it seriously does feel like I announced my pregnancy last week.
When I was pregnant with Oscar, each day felt like a year. I swear I was pregnant for around 18 months as opposed to 9. I don’t feel like there’s enough time left in the world to prepare for baby 2, and although we have just started purchasing the odd bits here and there, most of the time I forget I am actually pregnant. Well, until I feel a swift kick to my bladder and I am suddenly dragged back to reality.
When I was pregnant with Oscar, I was certain labour was going to be a breeze. I can do it, I thought. When it came down to it, it was the exact opposite. I couldn’t physically do it. I felt like a huge disappointment.
Whenever I see people post anything to do with anxiety/giving birth, it’s usually followed up with comments like “Don’t worry, it’s what women are designed to do. You will be absolutely fine”. I don’t take offence, because I know women ARE designed to do that, and I know people don’t think they will actually be offending anyone by leaving a comment like that as it’s a genuinely nice and supportive thing to say, but every time I see it I feel like even more of a failure.
For those of you who don’t know, a quick run down of my labour with O went as follows:
-Went into labour on a Wednesday morning
-Was in and out of hospital being checked but had made no real progress in relation to my cervix dilating.
-Finally got moved to the labour ward on Friday morning having reached 6cm.
-Had my waters broken and was put on an induction drip to speed up my labour
-After almost 18 hours of labouring with horrendous contractions, no progress, and a heart rate dip, I was wheeled to theatre in tears to undergo an emergency C section.
Oscar was born the Saturday, so I had been in labour for 3 full days.
I can’t help but worry that it will be the same all over again. Of course, this time I can throw the towel in and just opt for a section as soon as I say go, but I don’t want to do that. If it takes me 3 days of contractions again before they demand I go for one, 3 days is what it will take… but I still can’t help but feel absolutely petrified.
I tried everything. I bounced on my ball, I paced the streets, I cried between vomiting, wondering why nothing was happening even though I was contracting at a lightening pace. I had gas & air, diamorphine and in the end an epidural, because I desperately wanted to go to sleep so I could push my baby out the ‘natural’ route without dying. It literally felt like I was dying.
When my last available option was a caesarean, I was devastated.
I feel like my labour went downhill as soon as the induction drip was introduced, and I hoped and prayed that they wouldn’t make me be induced this time if I didn’t go into labour myself. I am so relieved to say that I have spoken to my midwife and have clarified that they absolutely will not induce me due to my section scar.
I don’t mind the idea of another caesarean to be honest, but I would also love to experience natural birth for all that it is intended to be, especially as this baby will be my last. I’ve also asked for my labour to go to 40 weeks + the standard 10 days, and if he hasn’t arrived by then, another caesarean it will be.
I know this must be the thought process of most women in my situation, carrying a baby following a section, and it truly is absolutely shit. Was it something I did? Can I actually deliver a baby naturally? Will I be able to do anything this time that might help my chances?
They don’t know why I wasn’t able to progress past 6cm, but they do have the suspicion that it was because Oscar was back to back. Fingers crossed, this baby will get into the right position and stay put.
If any of you have been through this, I would love to know your VBAC stories or how you found labour in general after a caesarean? You can leave me a comment below or contact me via social media if you wish.