I’m Struggling To Escape The ‘Mum Guilt’

February 4, 2018
mum guilt

I’m finding it extremely difficult to get through most days without feeling some form of guilt now. My first baby turns two soon, and very shortly after, his brother will be born. I am looking back at his life and realising that there were so many stages of it I wished away, and so many things I didn’t do with him, and it makes me feel shit.

Is ‘Mum Guilt’ even a real thing? Sadly, yes.

What makes this whole thing even worse is that Oscar doesn’t have a clue that he will be presented with brother so very soon. Whenever I try to explain it to him, he just looks at me confused. Oh baby, I am so sorry.

On the other hand, he’s becoming a lot more aware that mummy can’t play as much anymore. I can’t hold him for long because of the lovely pregnancy pain that is SPD. The realisation that these are my last days with him alone, and the fact that I can’t do anywhere near as much as I want to with him, is just getting too much.

I’ve actually spent the past week off work, and he continued going to nursery, which has given an insight into what it is going to be like when I am on maternity leave/when the baby is born. The first day, as soon as Anthony carried him out to the car, he started crying. Anthony said he spent the whole journey asking where I was, until he finally got to nursery and said “bye mummy”. Obviously, this shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. When baby is here, will he think I am replacing him?

That night he woke up crying and didn’t want me. He hit me when I tried to comfort him, and he didn’t want a cuddle from anyone but his dad. I felt like the worst mum in the world, and I just sobbed uncontrollably until I fell asleep.

The guilt is suffocating me, if I’m honest.

I know I am going to be spending way more ‘alone’ time with baby than I am with him. We decided to keep him at nursery for a few days a week because it feels silly taking him out of his routine. I also, selfishly, think it will be so much easier when baby is born if he does continue going for a few days… but it doesn’t make me feel any less of a shitty parent inside.

At the same time, I am worrying hugely about how I am going to feel about another baby. The baby will never just have our undivided attention, because he’s entering a world with his big brother in it. Oscar will always be my first, so will baby two grow up and feel like I prefer him? Will it be difficult? Am I going to be able to cope? Am I going to love him as much as I love Oscar?

We will have another baby in less than 13 weeks. You start to realise how crap that length of time is when you’re dreading it a little bit.

I just wish I could experience Oscar all over again and take in every second. I’m not ready to cope with the idea of having a two year old yet, or another newborn.

I know everyone says this is totally normal but I hate it. I want to be excited about giving birth again, but instead I am so worried that I am letting him down. Part of me is just praying, every day, that he will love the baby as much as I already do. I also hope that he realises we will love them both the same, no matter what.

As soon as his communication and understanding develops, I do think it will get easier. Again though, wishing for that is like wishing more of his life away, and at the moment I just want it to slow down so I can enjoy every second. I just want to cuddle him and tell him I love him every second of every day.

Mum guilt is horrific. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

If any of you have experienced this, please let me know in the comments when it gets better, if it does.

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1 Comment

  • Reply Alice | Letters to my Daughter February 12, 2018 at 8:23 pm

    Oh bless you, mum guilt is THE WORST, but it sounds like you’re doing an excellent job just by the fact you care enough to feel so bad about it! Does that make sense?

    Instead of focusing on the things you haven’t / can’t do with your son, focus on the things you have done and can do. It’s the small things that make us great parents, not the fact we didn’t take them to messy play every week when they were a toddler.

    I also firmly believe that parenting is a long haul kinda deal. Each day we do a little bit more to help them grow and understand our world. Just keep doing a little bit every day to get him used to the idea, keep reminding him how much you live him, keep reading him stories and having cuddles. These are the things that will stick with him in his heart, if not his memory, and he will know how loved and valued he is. …Both of your sons will.

    You’ve got this mama ❤ ❤

    (and congrats – someone admired this post so much they added it to the #BlogCrush linky! Feel free to collect your 'I've been featured' blog badge x)

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